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Mon, Jun. 30th, 2008 | 11:55 am  slavezombie


Intro for brigits_flame
slavezombie
Good god, why would I do this twice? once in my profile and again here.

I'm a graduate of an invisible college that issues invisible degrees. I live alone with my moggie. Together we plan to conquer the world.

I'm average height and average complexion. I work for a living and rather stay at home than try to be social outdoors. Some places I've visited are Mexico, Hawaii, New Mexico, Germany. Traveling is fine, but I'm battling a phobia over flying.

I watch a lot of movies, either on TV/cable or DVD. I don't get too attached to sports until the playoff championships start for either baseball, football, basketball, NASCAR, whatever. I attended two years of college with the objective to become a cartoonist. In all the ruckus of my first year, I developed a sense of realism and changed my major to a more logical career like graphic design. It was this that helped me tackle html for web design as it's true that the changed proved useful in contracting work as a marcom designer.

I never got over my high school sweetheart and there's a hole in my heart. This is something nobody suspects about me because I never raved over her after we split up. However, I kept secret my visions of her wherever I went, day after day. Only recently have I encountered a convincing confrontation after so many years of no contact with her whatsoever. Convincing because neither of us recognized each other. I'm still not 100% certain it was her I saw, but I find myself obsessing over her once again after time had all but erased her from my memory.

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Comments {6}

webſite

from: dogslaughter
date: Mon, Jun. 30, 2008 05:04 pm (UTC)
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My darling, If you are so unsure if you have seen her, it may be that you are in love with an idea as opposed to the person. How come you two at least couldn't maintain a friendship? XP

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Bier de Stone

Broken heart. No remedy.

from: slavezombie
date: Mon, Jun. 30, 2008 06:51 pm (UTC)
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That goes without saying, but whether or not the idea of love merits some acknowledgment still doesn't fill the emptiness. When we met, there was a slight age difference. It was a time in my life when age was a major significance. Puberty can do that. After having broken up for only a decade, I tried calling her again. By that time, the big change in her life was that she had plans to marry. Soon after, we lost touch with each other. She disconnected her phone. I had no way of reaching her and it would've been too painful to see her thru a marriage to somebody else.

I don't think neither one of us wanted to end our relationship, but there were issues that just weren't surfacing for resolution. Sex. It's all a big misunderstanding in which she figures that faithfulness in the relationship was essential, and I don't think our relationship was etched in stone, like a marriage. Now, I'm certain the tables have turned. At first, I couldn't bare to imagine her with another guy. How could she give herself to anybody else and leave me desolate and deprived? I'm sure she might proclaim to have sacrificed the greater love, as only a thing like marriage can cancel out the love between two people after the reality of living together. I mean, with the divorce rate in this country…

And so it is that one day, at work, a girl (woman) walks in with her daughter. We both interact with one another, me with nothing but the idea that she is my ex-gf (floating around in my head), and her acting as if she isn't anybody I know. Stupidly, I forget to ask her if I know her from anywhere. I haven't stopped kicking myself ever since. You can read the actual incident if you like from entries made in June, 2005. Thank you for being concerned about this, BTW. You have no idea how much I assimilate everything you have to say.

But do you want to know the worst part of it? It is the bewilderment of not knowing if that woman was her. I need to know whether I am right in thinking she was my exgf, or simply disturbed and obsessed over her to the point of imagining things. I've gotten in touch since then, but meeting for coffee or lunch is just taboo (because of her marriage to whomever). I haven't called her again since. This lack of closure leaves me at odds, a poster child for misogynists.

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Re: Broken heart. No remedy.

from: dogslaughter
date: Mon, Jun. 30, 2008 11:06 pm (UTC)
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Well, it seems to be that I'm getting to that point that I realize there's nothing I could say to you that you probably haven't already heard.

Can't say I've been in love with a man for a decade or two, but I got pretty close to being in love with the same person for a decade.

If I were you, to keep from going man, I'd just assume it was some random broad. Hell, you'd recognize her off the bat if she's the lady of your dreams, I'd figure.

To tell you the truth, I think you should just forget about her, unless you think she's fickle or just rushed into a marriage. You don't want to end up wasting your damn life on some hopeless romances.

Just out of curiousity, you've never met a lady who was was even remotely close to helping you let go of all that?

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Bier de Stone

Re: Broken heart. No remedy.

from: slavezombie
date: Mon, Jun. 30, 2008 11:36 pm (UTC)
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I'm sorry, I probably didn't word that correctly. I meant to say:

After having been broken up for one full decade…


I think it makes a difference, for I've never been in a relationship longer than six months. That such an over populated world would not contain a single lass to help me forget is embarrassing. I mean, I'll admit I'm shy. I'll also admit to having been rejected once or twice, but to have let an entire life time pass me by is unforgivable.

After hearing that, I'm almost certain you're saying "What!?" but I always believed, when friends would say to me, that a person never forgets the first girl he falls in love with. Frankly, I never understood how or why it could be her because I had had other relationships before her. Even when we said we loved each other, I feared commitment. I have turned into one of those monsters who can enter a relationship, and the moment the word "love" is spoken, I shy away from it.

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Re: Broken heart. No remedy.

from: dogslaughter
date: Tue, Jul. 1, 2008 10:50 am (UTC)
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Well, no, I haven't forgotten my first love, and I certainly still care for him deeply, I even still would say that I do love him, however "in love" has another term for girls I suppose you would say. If he asked me to get back together with him and leave my current boyfriend, I'd reject the offer. Though if he asked me to help him move and I had previously plans, I'd drop them to help him. I guess thats the "just friends" zone.

Well, there could be losts of reasons why her and not any of those others. Is there anything in particular that she did especially well? Is there something you did that you feel awful about during your relationship? In my expirence, it's always one of those things.

I honestly think you should get get over her and find another girl to fall in love with. I don't know? Maybe the lower the bar a little bit, because as far as I know, there isn't a girl alive who can live up to the ideal of a woman. Besides, if you're afraid to commit, I'd think of it in the term of paychecks.

Being single is like working construction, you get a paycheck when work is good. Being in a stable relationship is salary, you get paid if you work more or less.

I just worry you'll spend too much time out there(errr...how old are you again?) waiting around for the ONE GIRL and end up not breeding and Idiocracy(latest mike judge movie) will turn into reality.

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Bier de Stone

Re: Broken heart. No remedy.

from: slavezombie
date: Wed, Jul. 2, 2008 01:49 am (UTC)
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I couldn't find that Mike Judge film you mention to see whether I would like it. I thought it might be helpful to watch it. Maybe I've already seen it, I just don't remember.

Well, the highlites were exploratory sex, short of intercourse. Necking, petting. But what I remember most of all is the fear of touching her in places that might've resulted in her saying "No, no, no". I could imagine her index finger gesturing back and forth like a metronome, had I gotten that far, followed with a slow, gentle break-up. Or, was there a fear that she would be out of my league sexually? She said she was a virgin, but…

Unpleasant memories would be idle inferences about my adolescent status compared to hers. She questioned my sperm level, body hair… but I did the worse thing imaginable. I cheated on her. There's really nothing that I can do or say that could justify something like that, so I really don't like myself for it. Because I can't see myself NOT doing this (unfaithfulness) to others, I end my relationships. I don't bother looking hard for anything meaningful. Bachelorhood is seems to be my destiny and I'm no Rudolph Valentino. The ratio of woman I've had to girls (when I was under 18) is prominently under par.

Don't ask how many years have passed. I don't share my age easily, though it isn't that hard to find out. What waiting does is weaken the heart. Whoever said time heals all wounds was mistaken. I just find that my ambition in life is hindered without the aspect of children, and, more importantly, companionship.

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