October 16th, 2008

Keeler

vote... brigits_flame (http://community.livejournal.com/brigits_flame/86316.html)

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INT. GAIL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Huddled in bed, BOB and GAIL lie awake sharing their thoughts after sex.
BOB
Fuel generate heat, but I can't figure out where the fuel is coming from that over heats my lap top. It gets so hot that sometimes I can't even rest my palms on the keyboard.
GAIL
You know what I heard? Lap top computers can make a man sterile. You know, from working off your lap.
BOB
That's a pretty steep price to pay for a lap dance. I think it's bizarre that a guy can't spend a decent amount of time trying to be productive without medicating. I've got vicodin, motrin, medical marijuana. Heh, I fill my bong with vodka and red wine. That's the fuel I'm running on.
GAIL
That's no small order.
BOB
After awhile, it's second nature.
GAIL
You're going to burn out like that. Have you given yoga a try?
Bob acts as if he didn't hear that last question.
BOB
Got a cigarette?
Gail reaches to her night stand to pull open one of the drawers. She lights a cigarette.
BOB
How does a match light?
GAIL
What?
BOB
I had a match without the match book and tried lighting it by rubbing it against a sheet of smooth sandpaper.
GAIL
Dork. How should I know. You need the strip that comes with the matchbox.
Bob abruptly gets out of bed.
GAIL
Where you going?
BOB
I'm not sleepy. I'm gonna build a fire.
FADE TO
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
A roaring fire burns in the fire place as the two lovers sit in silence enjoying the hissing and snapping of the flames.
Gail
Hey, did you know it's going to be illegal to light fires inside a fire place in a few years?
BOB
Hmn...
Gail
Got any weed?
BOB
I thought you didn't like smoking pot.
Gail
Well, might as well now. The fire's going to conceal the smell.
Bob reaches for his pants nearby on the floor and digs into his pockets. He opens his wallet and tries to puff up the flattened out joint. He takes a twig from a log and chops it off with a nearby ax. He lights it in the fire and transfers the flame to the joint. He passes it on to Gail and they alternate tokes.
BOB
It's like when you're drinking. If you stop taking alcohol long enough, the smallest drop of liquor will get you buzzed.
Gail
What about sex?
BOB
That's me. Stop having sex and you'll be desperate enough to see the attractiveness of a goat.
Gail
Gee, thanks.
BOB
No offense. Masturbation too. Everybody does it. It's humanly impossible not to. Try, and the faintest touch to your genitals will bring you to climax. And I'm talking about just cleaning up in the shower.
Gail
Are you going to vote for or against proposition nineteen?
BOB
I'm so used to getting my weed from the street, the transformation would be harder to get used to than it's worth.
Gail
I'm always getting the numbers mixed up. Why don't they just say "vote for or against legalizing marijuana"? For instance, I'm voting no on eight, but I don't want that to bite me on the ass later on. I don't think public schools have any business influencing my kid with innuendo about same sex marriages.
BOB
I'm voting no too. But I don't think the gay community would appreciate my vote if they knew how I really feel about gays.
Gail
Homophobe. Why are you voting no then?
BOB
The TV commercial. It sounded like the church is having a difficult time conforming.
Gail
Devil worshiper.
Bob
I decided that my soul mate came and went, and since that only happens once in a lifetime, I've lost my opportunity to ever find a life time partner to settle down and raise a family. The last time I spoke to Emily...
Gail
When?
BOB
She told me... when? several months ago. She's married.
Gail
Whatever.
BOB
The life in me is gone. See...
BOB POINTS TO THE ROARING FIRE
BOB (CONT'D)
It dances as long as it has fuel to burn. That's having life. I don't have that. The spark of life disappeared when I decided I would wait for my soul mate to come back to me.
Collapse )
screenwriter, Kightlinger, hate

Humor in the news

I'm vegging out in front of the TV. I'm watching my favorite news channel at 11 when one of the news stories is about a cat fight filmed in a home movie fashion. It reminds me of the home movie community event vids that I'd heard NBC was soliciting of their devoted audience. Anyways, just before they break for a commercial, they tease the audience a bit by showing parts of the video where two girls are going at each other the way girls do when they fight. When we return from the commercial break, it's obvious that the white girl is completely bitch slapping the brunette.

Then, the brunette's mother steps in and grabs a hand full of the blond girl's hair and simply removes her from atop her daughter, much the same way that a cat would carry her brood by the neck. When the blond girl he set down at a safe distance from her opponent, and released, her racing blood simply gets the best of her as she attempts to stand her ground against the towering, overweight mother who simply bitch slaps the blond.

I start lol like a complete maniac with little morals about such things. I check myself and realize what an ass I must be having experienced a similar experience not just much older than the girls who were fighting are, and Chuck Henry and Colleen Williams have a completely straight face. I calm down and manage to control my insanity. We get on to the next segment of news, something about who the hell knows, when I visualize the thing all over again and start busting up. Again, I see Chuck Henry and Colleen Williams don't flinch or flitter. WTF? That was funny stuff!

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