Recalling my past can be really embarrassing. I don't like the pictures I appeared in when I was young, and I don't like the person I was. In the third track of Morrissey's You are the quarry, the song I HAVE FORGIVEN JESUS is a doozy. It's almost embarrassing to explain how this song touches me. There was a time when I use to be a virgin, but the peer pressure of watching all my friends in relationships just got to be too overwhelming. I had to pray, on my knees, to God to "send me some sex". It takes all kinds, I guess. I'm sure there are a few other people who may have been in similar desperation and resorted to such morbidity. As religious as I was, I didn't care if premarital sex was a sin. And yes, I had some nerve to be asking God to get me some.
Other than that, I was a good kid.
I was a good kid, I wouldn't do you no harm, I was a nice kid, With a nice paper round / Forgive me any pain, I may have brung to you, With God's help I know, I'll always be near to you ¶ But Jesus hurt me, When he deserted me, but, I have forgiven you Jesus / For all the desire, You placed in me when there's nothing I can do with this desire ¶ I was a good kid, Through hail and snow, I'd go just to moon you, I carried my heart in my hand / Do you understand, Do you understand ¶ But Jesus hurt me, When he deserted me, but, I have forgiven you Jesus / For all of the love, You placed in me when there's no one I can turn to with this love ¶ Monday - humiliation, Tuesday - suffocation, Wednesday - condescension, Thursday - is pathetic / By Friday life has killed me, By Friday life has killed me, Oh pretty one, Oh pretty one ¶ Why did you give me so much desire, When there is nowhere I can go to offload this desire? / And why did you give me so much love in a loveless world, When there is no one I can turn to / To unlock all this love? / And why did you stick in self deprecating bones and skin?, Jesus do you hate me? / Why did you stick in self deprecating bones and skin? / Do you hate me?, Do you hate me?, Do you hate me?, Do you hate me?, Do you hate me?
I didn't have a paper route, but then, I'm sure a paper round has some kind of British English significance. I admitted years after I got dumped by my gf that I cheated on her. When she confronted me about it, I had denied it. I admitted it only to apologize to her because I thought I might be able to ask her to take me back. I wasn't able to because I really was a shy boy. I tell people now, how I have a grudge against God. It's a long story and I'm hoping that it's covered in the rest of the lyrics from the songs to this album, but I really haven't had time to read them all yet.
I suppose I forgive God, but only if God hates me could I ever convince myself I have forgiven Him. I don't enjoy hearing said to me "Jesus loves you". I never considered him gay. Now that there's some controversy over the way he was betrayed by Judas, which lead to his crucifixion, I wonder whether this song might not be a precursor to way the catholic church might change their views about Jesus and the whole forgiveness of sins by dying on the cross ordeal.